Where is Nikki?

Hey friends!

So aside from my blog post earlier this week, I've essentially been off the radar for a while, so I figured why not catch up a bit with those of you who I don't talk to on a daily basis! I've had quite a bit happen since the last life update post (probably in September? WOW it's been a while...), therefore here it comes. Ready, set, GO!

Life Update #1:

I'm not leaving UD for Missouri State this semester.
Many of you know that I was considering transferring to MSU for various reasons. This is not happening! While MSU frickin ROCKS and there would be a ton of awesome things to be a part of there, as well as many awesome people, it just doesn't feel right. I feel like UD has more in store for me than I had previously anticipated, as well as there are some AWESOME people here too. Also there are some flippin awesome opportunities coming up next semester for me (refer to life update #2).

Life Update #2:
I will be spending next semester as secretary of Campus Activities Board, as a Callings Retreat leader-in-training, and potentially as a YoungLife leader.
Next semester, I have quite a lot on my plate, but I couldn't be more excited about that. 
- First, there's CAB secretary. CAB is in charge of planning a lot of alternative-to-alcohol programming which is right up my alley, so being secretary sounds like it's going to be an awesome opportunity, especially because there's some really awesome people on the board. 
- Next up is Callings Retreat leader-in-training. I can't begin to tell you how pumped I am to be a Callings leader. But Nikki, what is Callings? WELL just let me tell ya!
Callings is a Christian retreat that happens over the summer at UD for incoming freshman. I was a Callings retreat-goer this past summer and I cannot say anything but good things about the experience. At Callings, I met some really awesome role models (cough cough Jillian, Morgan, Carrie, and all the other leaders), not to mention several of my very closest, most awesome friends from UD. I guess mostly what I'm trying to say is YAYYYYYY CALLINGS WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
But anyway, so this next semester, I'm in a class on Sundays to train to be a Callings leader. This will be with all the other leaders-in-training, aka a ton of people that I love. So I'm just really frickin excited for all of this.
- Finally, there's YoungLife. Ahhh, sweet sweet YoungLife. If you haven't talked to me about it yet or don't know what YoungLife is, here's a basic overview:
YoungLife is a ministry program to reach out to high schoolers. As a YoungLife leader, essentially what I will do is go to a school, create relationships with the kids at that school, and teach them about how much Christ loves them and what He has done for them.
That's a very basic overview, but it gives you the general idea.
The reason I say I will potentially be a YoungLife leader is because it's a very big time commitment and I need to figure out if I have enough time for it. I'm EXTREMELY hoping I do, but as of right now, I'm not positive. So we'll see, but I'm really hoping for it.

Life Update #3:
I am now an Adolescent to Young Adult Education Major, with a concentration in Language Arts (and potentially a minor in Human Rights)!
After three major changes, we've finally landed on AYA ed. I'm going to be a high school English teacher!!! While some people hear that and probably vomit a little bit at the thought, I AM SO EXCITED! I really want to get kids pumped about life and help them find their passions, hopefully both as an English teacher and eventually as a leadership teacher (shout out to Jane Perrica and Andy Ross on motivating me towards that one!). So that's very exciting!

Life Update #4:
My toe is not broken.
I'm just going to say this fast because it's one of the more idiotic things I've done lately, but uhhh... IfelloffthetopbunkbedinmyroomtheothermorningandthoughtIbrokemytoebutIdidn'tsodon'tworryeverybody,thisidiotisokay.
So there's that.

Life Update #5:
I learned that sometimes what might be best isn't what feels best, and that sometimes people have to let you go to let you grow.
That's all.

The final life update, Life Update #6:
I'm coming home Thursday!
GUYS, I'm coming home and I'll be home for a month!!! So I've missed you all very much and love you as well, and therefore I CANNOT WAIT to come home to those of you who mean so much to me. So get pumped people; I'll see ya soon!

That's pretty much it for now! I hope you enjoyed this episode of Where is Nikki?, and I'll see ya next time folks.

Give Love, Receive Love, Be Love.

My senior year of high school, I started attending Crosspoint ONE_Student Ministries youth group on Wednesday nights, led by youth pastor, Ryan Stoops. Let me just tell you, Ryan Stoops is one incredible guy. He is as Christ-filled and as loving as can be. The love Stoops shows is never exclusive - it goes out to all. And it wasn't just him who showed this kind of powerful, warm love. It was all of Crosspoint's youth. This kind of love - intentional love, love inspired by Christ - was really special to me. It was something I felt I needed to pass on, and still feel I need to pass on to this day.

Behind the love that ONE_Student Ministries and Ryan shared with all of us kids was the love of a Savior that cared enough to die for his people, that they might live eternally. This Savior wishes that we love one another as he loved us:

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

John 13:34-35

So you see, I didn't just learn how to love at Crosspoint. I learned how to be known for love. It's something I have to work at everyday, but it's something incredibly important to me, especially as a Christian.

The thing about being known for love (or "known for this," as the ONE_Student Ministries so often emphasizes) is that it's not just about loving the people that it's easy to love. It's so easy to give love to your best friend, your mom, your significant other.... But what about the others?

You have to love the people that it's hard to love. The people that bug the crap out of you, the people that hurt you, the people that have broken you down. You have to love these people just as much as you love the ones that it's easy to love. Because it is not the easy love, but the difficult love that defines you.

So my challenge to you, blog followers, is to take a little extra time this week to give more love to more people. Be patient with others' mistakes, smile at them, and support them in what they need support in. Be kind, accepting, and intentional in your love. Overall, just when you see someone who needs love, give it. Or even if they don't look like they need love, give it anyway.

Be the best representation of love that you can be.

On that note, all of my love to you guys. You're all incredibly wonderful.

Nikki

The Search

I have lost a lot of myself recently.

The following blog is my attempt to find me.

Here goes nothing.

So I would like to consider myself a pretty social girl. I love people, I thrive on laughter, and making others feel welcome is one of my favorite things in the whole world. So then who is this girl who sits in her room on Saturday nights, isolated and wishing for different circumstances, rather than making the best of what she has? Who is the girl who doesn't smile at everyone she passes? Who is the girl who has placed her own well-being over that of others? And most importantly, who is the girl whose relationship with God is more easily spoken of than invested in? That girl is me right now. A me I'm not very proud of. I've been spending the last month of my life as a shell of who I really am, and I hate it. I really truly despise it. And I think up until now, I've been blaming my sadness on my environment. But I think my true issue is not being here at Dayton- Dayton that's full of opportunity, loving people, and awesome things- but actually my issue is being fearful to be myself.

I've never been an incredibly confident girl, but in high school I had no fear of being who I was. And yes, I know in that environment I was surrounded by a safety web of teachers and friends who loved me unconditionally (which I'm so thankful for) so the risk of being myself was little to none. But my freshman year, I came to Mehlville with few people that I knew and still managed to be myself. So then why, in college, am I so incredibly afraid of being exactly who I am?

Let me tell you people, I don't know the answer to that question quite yet. But one thing I do know is this:

I'm not going to be this girl anymore. I'm going to get back to the girl I used to be in high school. I will be who I was to MASC, to Mehlville High School, to my family, to my friends, to my God and to myself. I'm going to be that girl.

So now the question arises: how?

If I haven't been able to be her so far, how am I magically going to be her now?

Well I know where I'm starting: a life of prayer.

Yes, I will be prayerful and live a life according to His love of all people.

No matter who I meet in college from now on, it will be with a smile and with a welcoming attitude and patience. This will not be a flimsy rule. I must stand strong on my days of little sleep, of crappy test scores, and of missing home. I must push that aside and give all my love and attention to those around me, for God will be faithful and help me if I spread his love. Because EVERYONE deserves to be loved by others and I want to strive to be as loving as The Lord wants me to be.

I will take my weekends as they come to me. Seeing as I don't drink, college weekend life can be difficult, as party atmospheres just aren't my thing and I don't know a super lot of people who like to stay in. But I will figure it out, and I will be okay.

I will work my butt off for good grades and be dedicated in my studies. Learning will be hard but it will be what I need to make changes in the world.

I will wake up each day and smile because I deserve it.

I will be my MASC self again. I will strive for change and I will be that change. I will love God with all of my heart, and I will accept His love for me. I will do good work, I will be motivated, and I will kick butt in college. I will not be scared.

I think I just found my new mantra.

Now I know this was scatterbrained, but I just know that it's gonna be okay and I want you all to know that it's gonna be okay. No matter what you're going through with college, good or bad, know that you will always be able to come back home to who you are. By willpower, and by God's power. You are always still going to be you, and that's something no one or no place can take away from you.

I love you guys.

Nikki

Guys, I don't hate college.

College rocks.

I can officially say it to the world without lying:

I am enjoying my college experience.

Sunday night, it would not have been possible for me to make this statement and back it up with truth. I had, what you could call, a not-so-fantastic first couple of days here at Dayton. My few days were riddled with tears, overwhelming anxiety, and dread of the year ahead. I felt uncomfortable and out-of-place, and simply wanted to be home. I was extremely pressured to drink in three different locations on one night and was terrified. I hated where I was, and I was ready to give up.

But guys! Here's something that's pretty cool.

I LOVE IT NOW. God has worked in me and given me the strength and positivity to make me ready to push my comfort zone and to gain new experiences. He's putting people, experiences, and joy into my life that I definitely did not believe was possible just a simple four days ago.

First of all, the people. I have an amazing roommate, Christina. Christina cracks me up, she has a rad music taste, and I love talking to her about anything and everything. I also have some amazing friends. Three standout friends have come into my life and I don't think they'll probably leave it for a while. First, Nick. Nick is one of the funniest kids who I have met during my time here. I love talking to him simply because he always has something funny to say that cheers me up. Then there's Sarah. Sarah is the most surprising girl. She has a funny, outgoing exterior, but inside she is always thinking about others. She cares for them and wants what is best for them, and is strong in her faith. Finally, Emma. Emma is one of the most genuinely good people I have ever met. She and I have connected about faith and I cannot wait to get to know her better. I can't help but love the crap out of her. Or any of the three for that matter.

Next, my classes. For my Tuesdays and Thursdays I get to sleep til 8:15. And on Monday, Wednesday and Friday I have ONE class and it's not til NOON. I can sleep as late as I please. How BEAUTIFUL is that?!?! And mind you, these classes are things I'm actually interested in, with professors who genuinely are passionate about what they are teaching. The education aspect of college rocks.

Finally, the relaxation. Can I just say, all I do all day is my classes, and then WHATEVER I WANT? Like, GOD BLESS AMERICA, THE SWEET, SWEET FREEDOM. I can't tell you how nice it is to do what I want, when I want. And not only that, after Friday, I can get involved in all kinds of stuff to fill that free time. So, for all of you high schoolers out there, that aspect of college really is all that it's cracked up to be.

So I know this wasn't much insight into what it's really like to be where I am. I guess what I really just want to say is, carry on when it gets hard. Always push your comfort zone, and reach out to those who are there for you (shouts out to Angie A., Ben, Emma and Bren for keeping me alive for that first weekend) and they will help to pull you through the tough times. 

Great things don't only come to those who wait. Great things come to those who go out into the world and take risks.

Have a wonderful day, readers. Feel free to contact me if you want more details on the Dayton experience as of yet.

All my love,

Nikki

Daring for Distance

This past May, one of the most awesome couples I have ever had the privilege of knowing got married. My oldest brother, Matt, and his now-wife, Kira, said their vows in late May and I'm fairly certain it was one of the best weddings that has ever happened on this earth.

Now, one might wonder why I have such high regards for these two.
Well I'll tell ya. 
These two lovebirds have been together since their junior year of high school.
Seven years of love and commitment have passed between the two of them.
For five of those seven years, the two have been split by a four hour time difference, with Kira at K-State and Matt at Mizzou. But they made it work, and beautifully at that.

I think this is incredible.
See, as some of you might have read in one of my previous blogs, I'm in love with a boy named Ben. We've been together for about six months, and he is my very best friend. I had to say a very tear-y goodbye to him last night in my driveway, as I left for Dayton this morning while he started the first day of his senior year. I'm so ridiculously excited for him as he heads off his new year as a Stuco officer, a member of Senior Exec, and a new Eagle Scout. I'm positive that he will do incredible things this year and change lives because that's what he does best. But that goodbye was one of the hardest things I've done in a long time. I know it's just a see ya later, and I'm throwing myself a pity party when other people have it so much worse off than I do, but it really does hurt to know I'm not seeing the boy I love for months. 

I know there's a ton more of you out there who are going through similar situations; whether it be moving for college, the military, or even saying goodbye to someone who is not a significant other, or whatever... There are a lot of people out there that are hurting and worried and terrified about this exact same thing.

But guys and gals, here's the thing.
I know there's that whole phrase that goes, 

“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours." But I don't know that I totally agree, especially in the situation of long distance couples. See, my thought is, if you love someone, work to keep them yours. Don't let them go! I think people have this perception of relationships nowadays that if you are "meant to be" that you can kick back and relax and things will work as they will, or that things are supposed to be easy with the one you love. But I don't believe that's true for a regular relationship, much less a long distance one. You have to put in work and love and time and your life. Because that's what a relationship is... It's your life intertwined with another person's. That's a precious, precious thing. Letting go of something so beautiful just seems to be an injustice to me.

So I rambled on for a while I guess. But I think essentially what I want you guys to get out of this is that with long distance, life is hard, but it's SO worth it (or at least I have the highest hopes that it will be). Just work hard for the people you love, guys. And if you're in the same situation as I am, let me know and we can help guide each other through this. Cause life is easier that way :)

Anyway, thanks for reading guys.

Much love,

Nikki

Fighter

Fighter

Life hurts.

More than they ever said it would.

But you know that,

Cause you've been fighting the good fight since the day you were born.

A boxing match that's left you wounded, bleeding and torn

Sad, lonely, And worn.

Life is trying to knock you out,

But it's been simply unsuccessful.

You know why?

Cause you’re a fighter with a bandaid soul,

Healing and feeling better and better each day.

So no, you are not defined by these scars.

No, they are simply shooting stars marked across your wrists,

Fizzled, burned out, they no longer exist.

Although they were once a desperate wish,

They now remain powerless, lying beneath your tightly clenched fists

Those fists.

The fists of a fighter of  an undesired war that wages on

Between you and the soldiers in your mind.

It's one against all the men they can find,

But you cannot and will not,

I repeat you CANNOT and WILL NOT

Be beat.

For although

You do not want to fight this war.

You did not pick it

Nor did you train for it

You WILL win it.

You, fighter,

You will go on to do great things.

So don't stop the movie before the good part comes.

Cause Life is music kid, and God already designed you with the ultimate bassline placed inside your chest,

Pounding and beating, it will not rest.

So move to the rhythm,

Keep your head up,

As well as your heart,

As well as those fists

Make it through,

And conquer that shooting star wish.

Keying at My Sanity (an old free-write)

Sometimes I lay down in my bed like I’m about to make a snow angel. My legs and arms are all spread out and they’re out there and then this feeling overwhelms me.

It’s like these shackles grew out of the mattress and they chained me down and now I’m stuck. Just because I laid down, I’m locked into this prison. My teeth are grinding, my hands are clenching, my eyes are closing, and my heart is angry. I push and pull away from the bed.

But I’m stuck.

So I close my eyes and lay there.

Three hours later I open my eyes and I’m still there.

I’m still there and the shackles are still there.

But there’s this key. It’s laying by my left knee, by that weird birthmark and the burn from the curling iron that I got last fall. They key is just inside my comfort zone, but just out of my reach.

I hope one day you’ll see the key. And you won’t stare at it or look at me funny for not ever grabbing it,

Cause you’ll know I couldn’t.

You’ll just unlock me and then I’ll be free.

I hope you’ll see the key.

FIRST POST

HELLO WORLD.

So, I’m Nikki. And this is my first ever blog. Welcome friends… Welcome to my brain.

I figure since this is the beginning of a new age for me (the blogging age) it only seems appropriate that I write about something else that’s new that I’m experiencing right now: my transition into college.

To begin, I’m going to the University of Dayton in Ohio. Now, so you know, I do not live in Dayton, Ohio. I live six hours away from said college. And for that very reason, I am sickeningly, horribly TERRIFIED to leave home. You see, I am incredibly attached to the people in my life, AND I have a huge fear of change. Put those two things together, and well, basically, you have a fetal-positioned, hiding-under-the-blankets, hoping-life-won’t-come-find-her Nikki. But it seems that in approximately thirteen days, life will indeed come find me. So before then, I need to word vomit out all the positives and negatives that I’m feeling about this so-called “college” thing, and see what I really am dealing with here. HERE GOES NOTHING.

PROS

My Major!!!!!!!!!: Okay, because I’m so sickeningly excited about this right now, I have to say that I’m majoring in Human Rights at Dayton- the first college to create a Human Rights program- and I am one step closer to my dreams! I am going to be able to work at a non-profit and hopefully one day, start my own. Like, guys. THIS IS REAL LIFE. Oh, farts I couldn’t be more excited.

Campus: Beautiful. That’s all I need to say.

My Roommate: Christina, if you’re reading this, I AM OBSESSED WITH YOU. In a not weird way? But really, I could not be more excited to room with this girl. It seems we get along GREAT, and we’re essentially the same person. SO that’s pretty cool.

Freedom: I can set my own rules guys. I CAN SET MY OWN RULES. Ah, the sweet taste of being on your own after a lifetime of being sheltered.

Others: New Friends, New Clubs, Campus Ministry

CONS

My Boyfriend: I’m in love with Ben. Ben is a senior in high school. At home. Six hours from me. While that situation SUCKS, we’re going to do our best to make it through. Through prayer, skype, and trust, we’re hoping it’ll work out. That being said, there’s the possibility that it WON’T work out. We will be living two different lives, in two different places, in two different stages of life. That’s a whole lot of difference for one relationship to hold. But you know what? We can do it.

I think halfway through typing that section, I reaffirmed my positive attitude towards this situation. Ah, the emotional powers of blogging.

My Best Friends: Well, every kid going to college has to deal with this struggle I think. My very best friends in the world are going to be spread out throughout the country- at home, at Bama, at Mizzou, at MSU, and anywhere else you can think of.  I still have not completely come to terms with that. My very best friend, Brendan, will be nine hours from me. NINE HOURS. Right now he lives three MINUTES from me. How does one deal with separation anxiety that is as large as mine? Especially when they are as sucky at texting people as I am? It seems impossible. But again, as I said with Ben… I can do this.

My Emotional Stability

Guys, I get sad a lot. HOW DO I GET HAPPY WHEN THERE IS NO ONE AROUND THAT KNOWS ABOUT ME GETTING SAD LIKE THIS. Skype is there, yeah… But it’s not the same as actually being with my support system. And that scares the crap out of me.

Getting Home on Weekends

No car on campus… I could always bike home? OH WAIT

Pooping in Public Toilets

Y’all know I clog toilets like it’s my job… Sorry community bathroommates, THAT’S MY BAD.

Others: No DVR to Record Friends

So it seems that this didn’t help me at all. But hey, at least you guys know what’s going on in my head about this? Ah, whatever… If you guys take anything from this post… Just know that if you’re going through a rough transition time in your life, or even if you’re not… There are always pros to match each con, and you will always be able to control your attitude towards the situation. So hold on to those positives and if you ever get to the point where you can only see the negatives, call me up, and I got your back.

No but seriously call me. I'm here for you.

That’s all.

Much love,

Nikki.