Guys, I don't hate college.

College rocks.

I can officially say it to the world without lying:

I am enjoying my college experience.

Sunday night, it would not have been possible for me to make this statement and back it up with truth. I had, what you could call, a not-so-fantastic first couple of days here at Dayton. My few days were riddled with tears, overwhelming anxiety, and dread of the year ahead. I felt uncomfortable and out-of-place, and simply wanted to be home. I was extremely pressured to drink in three different locations on one night and was terrified. I hated where I was, and I was ready to give up.

But guys! Here's something that's pretty cool.

I LOVE IT NOW. God has worked in me and given me the strength and positivity to make me ready to push my comfort zone and to gain new experiences. He's putting people, experiences, and joy into my life that I definitely did not believe was possible just a simple four days ago.

First of all, the people. I have an amazing roommate, Christina. Christina cracks me up, she has a rad music taste, and I love talking to her about anything and everything. I also have some amazing friends. Three standout friends have come into my life and I don't think they'll probably leave it for a while. First, Nick. Nick is one of the funniest kids who I have met during my time here. I love talking to him simply because he always has something funny to say that cheers me up. Then there's Sarah. Sarah is the most surprising girl. She has a funny, outgoing exterior, but inside she is always thinking about others. She cares for them and wants what is best for them, and is strong in her faith. Finally, Emma. Emma is one of the most genuinely good people I have ever met. She and I have connected about faith and I cannot wait to get to know her better. I can't help but love the crap out of her. Or any of the three for that matter.

Next, my classes. For my Tuesdays and Thursdays I get to sleep til 8:15. And on Monday, Wednesday and Friday I have ONE class and it's not til NOON. I can sleep as late as I please. How BEAUTIFUL is that?!?! And mind you, these classes are things I'm actually interested in, with professors who genuinely are passionate about what they are teaching. The education aspect of college rocks.

Finally, the relaxation. Can I just say, all I do all day is my classes, and then WHATEVER I WANT? Like, GOD BLESS AMERICA, THE SWEET, SWEET FREEDOM. I can't tell you how nice it is to do what I want, when I want. And not only that, after Friday, I can get involved in all kinds of stuff to fill that free time. So, for all of you high schoolers out there, that aspect of college really is all that it's cracked up to be.

So I know this wasn't much insight into what it's really like to be where I am. I guess what I really just want to say is, carry on when it gets hard. Always push your comfort zone, and reach out to those who are there for you (shouts out to Angie A., Ben, Emma and Bren for keeping me alive for that first weekend) and they will help to pull you through the tough times. 

Great things don't only come to those who wait. Great things come to those who go out into the world and take risks.

Have a wonderful day, readers. Feel free to contact me if you want more details on the Dayton experience as of yet.

All my love,

Nikki

Daring for Distance

This past May, one of the most awesome couples I have ever had the privilege of knowing got married. My oldest brother, Matt, and his now-wife, Kira, said their vows in late May and I'm fairly certain it was one of the best weddings that has ever happened on this earth.

Now, one might wonder why I have such high regards for these two.
Well I'll tell ya. 
These two lovebirds have been together since their junior year of high school.
Seven years of love and commitment have passed between the two of them.
For five of those seven years, the two have been split by a four hour time difference, with Kira at K-State and Matt at Mizzou. But they made it work, and beautifully at that.

I think this is incredible.
See, as some of you might have read in one of my previous blogs, I'm in love with a boy named Ben. We've been together for about six months, and he is my very best friend. I had to say a very tear-y goodbye to him last night in my driveway, as I left for Dayton this morning while he started the first day of his senior year. I'm so ridiculously excited for him as he heads off his new year as a Stuco officer, a member of Senior Exec, and a new Eagle Scout. I'm positive that he will do incredible things this year and change lives because that's what he does best. But that goodbye was one of the hardest things I've done in a long time. I know it's just a see ya later, and I'm throwing myself a pity party when other people have it so much worse off than I do, but it really does hurt to know I'm not seeing the boy I love for months. 

I know there's a ton more of you out there who are going through similar situations; whether it be moving for college, the military, or even saying goodbye to someone who is not a significant other, or whatever... There are a lot of people out there that are hurting and worried and terrified about this exact same thing.

But guys and gals, here's the thing.
I know there's that whole phrase that goes, 

“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours." But I don't know that I totally agree, especially in the situation of long distance couples. See, my thought is, if you love someone, work to keep them yours. Don't let them go! I think people have this perception of relationships nowadays that if you are "meant to be" that you can kick back and relax and things will work as they will, or that things are supposed to be easy with the one you love. But I don't believe that's true for a regular relationship, much less a long distance one. You have to put in work and love and time and your life. Because that's what a relationship is... It's your life intertwined with another person's. That's a precious, precious thing. Letting go of something so beautiful just seems to be an injustice to me.

So I rambled on for a while I guess. But I think essentially what I want you guys to get out of this is that with long distance, life is hard, but it's SO worth it (or at least I have the highest hopes that it will be). Just work hard for the people you love, guys. And if you're in the same situation as I am, let me know and we can help guide each other through this. Cause life is easier that way :)

Anyway, thanks for reading guys.

Much love,

Nikki

Fighter

Fighter

Life hurts.

More than they ever said it would.

But you know that,

Cause you've been fighting the good fight since the day you were born.

A boxing match that's left you wounded, bleeding and torn

Sad, lonely, And worn.

Life is trying to knock you out,

But it's been simply unsuccessful.

You know why?

Cause you’re a fighter with a bandaid soul,

Healing and feeling better and better each day.

So no, you are not defined by these scars.

No, they are simply shooting stars marked across your wrists,

Fizzled, burned out, they no longer exist.

Although they were once a desperate wish,

They now remain powerless, lying beneath your tightly clenched fists

Those fists.

The fists of a fighter of  an undesired war that wages on

Between you and the soldiers in your mind.

It's one against all the men they can find,

But you cannot and will not,

I repeat you CANNOT and WILL NOT

Be beat.

For although

You do not want to fight this war.

You did not pick it

Nor did you train for it

You WILL win it.

You, fighter,

You will go on to do great things.

So don't stop the movie before the good part comes.

Cause Life is music kid, and God already designed you with the ultimate bassline placed inside your chest,

Pounding and beating, it will not rest.

So move to the rhythm,

Keep your head up,

As well as your heart,

As well as those fists

Make it through,

And conquer that shooting star wish.

Keying at My Sanity (an old free-write)

Sometimes I lay down in my bed like I’m about to make a snow angel. My legs and arms are all spread out and they’re out there and then this feeling overwhelms me.

It’s like these shackles grew out of the mattress and they chained me down and now I’m stuck. Just because I laid down, I’m locked into this prison. My teeth are grinding, my hands are clenching, my eyes are closing, and my heart is angry. I push and pull away from the bed.

But I’m stuck.

So I close my eyes and lay there.

Three hours later I open my eyes and I’m still there.

I’m still there and the shackles are still there.

But there’s this key. It’s laying by my left knee, by that weird birthmark and the burn from the curling iron that I got last fall. They key is just inside my comfort zone, but just out of my reach.

I hope one day you’ll see the key. And you won’t stare at it or look at me funny for not ever grabbing it,

Cause you’ll know I couldn’t.

You’ll just unlock me and then I’ll be free.

I hope you’ll see the key.

FIRST POST

HELLO WORLD.

So, I’m Nikki. And this is my first ever blog. Welcome friends… Welcome to my brain.

I figure since this is the beginning of a new age for me (the blogging age) it only seems appropriate that I write about something else that’s new that I’m experiencing right now: my transition into college.

To begin, I’m going to the University of Dayton in Ohio. Now, so you know, I do not live in Dayton, Ohio. I live six hours away from said college. And for that very reason, I am sickeningly, horribly TERRIFIED to leave home. You see, I am incredibly attached to the people in my life, AND I have a huge fear of change. Put those two things together, and well, basically, you have a fetal-positioned, hiding-under-the-blankets, hoping-life-won’t-come-find-her Nikki. But it seems that in approximately thirteen days, life will indeed come find me. So before then, I need to word vomit out all the positives and negatives that I’m feeling about this so-called “college” thing, and see what I really am dealing with here. HERE GOES NOTHING.

PROS

My Major!!!!!!!!!: Okay, because I’m so sickeningly excited about this right now, I have to say that I’m majoring in Human Rights at Dayton- the first college to create a Human Rights program- and I am one step closer to my dreams! I am going to be able to work at a non-profit and hopefully one day, start my own. Like, guys. THIS IS REAL LIFE. Oh, farts I couldn’t be more excited.

Campus: Beautiful. That’s all I need to say.

My Roommate: Christina, if you’re reading this, I AM OBSESSED WITH YOU. In a not weird way? But really, I could not be more excited to room with this girl. It seems we get along GREAT, and we’re essentially the same person. SO that’s pretty cool.

Freedom: I can set my own rules guys. I CAN SET MY OWN RULES. Ah, the sweet taste of being on your own after a lifetime of being sheltered.

Others: New Friends, New Clubs, Campus Ministry

CONS

My Boyfriend: I’m in love with Ben. Ben is a senior in high school. At home. Six hours from me. While that situation SUCKS, we’re going to do our best to make it through. Through prayer, skype, and trust, we’re hoping it’ll work out. That being said, there’s the possibility that it WON’T work out. We will be living two different lives, in two different places, in two different stages of life. That’s a whole lot of difference for one relationship to hold. But you know what? We can do it.

I think halfway through typing that section, I reaffirmed my positive attitude towards this situation. Ah, the emotional powers of blogging.

My Best Friends: Well, every kid going to college has to deal with this struggle I think. My very best friends in the world are going to be spread out throughout the country- at home, at Bama, at Mizzou, at MSU, and anywhere else you can think of.  I still have not completely come to terms with that. My very best friend, Brendan, will be nine hours from me. NINE HOURS. Right now he lives three MINUTES from me. How does one deal with separation anxiety that is as large as mine? Especially when they are as sucky at texting people as I am? It seems impossible. But again, as I said with Ben… I can do this.

My Emotional Stability

Guys, I get sad a lot. HOW DO I GET HAPPY WHEN THERE IS NO ONE AROUND THAT KNOWS ABOUT ME GETTING SAD LIKE THIS. Skype is there, yeah… But it’s not the same as actually being with my support system. And that scares the crap out of me.

Getting Home on Weekends

No car on campus… I could always bike home? OH WAIT

Pooping in Public Toilets

Y’all know I clog toilets like it’s my job… Sorry community bathroommates, THAT’S MY BAD.

Others: No DVR to Record Friends

So it seems that this didn’t help me at all. But hey, at least you guys know what’s going on in my head about this? Ah, whatever… If you guys take anything from this post… Just know that if you’re going through a rough transition time in your life, or even if you’re not… There are always pros to match each con, and you will always be able to control your attitude towards the situation. So hold on to those positives and if you ever get to the point where you can only see the negatives, call me up, and I got your back.

No but seriously call me. I'm here for you.

That’s all.

Much love,

Nikki.