I have lost a lot of myself recently.
The following blog is my attempt to find me.
Here goes nothing.
So I would like to consider myself a pretty social girl. I love people, I thrive on laughter, and making others feel welcome is one of my favorite things in the whole world. So then who is this girl who sits in her room on Saturday nights, isolated and wishing for different circumstances, rather than making the best of what she has? Who is the girl who doesn't smile at everyone she passes? Who is the girl who has placed her own well-being over that of others? And most importantly, who is the girl whose relationship with God is more easily spoken of than invested in? That girl is me right now. A me I'm not very proud of. I've been spending the last month of my life as a shell of who I really am, and I hate it. I really truly despise it. And I think up until now, I've been blaming my sadness on my environment. But I think my true issue is not being here at Dayton- Dayton that's full of opportunity, loving people, and awesome things- but actually my issue is being fearful to be myself.
I've never been an incredibly confident girl, but in high school I had no fear of being who I was. And yes, I know in that environment I was surrounded by a safety web of teachers and friends who loved me unconditionally (which I'm so thankful for) so the risk of being myself was little to none. But my freshman year, I came to Mehlville with few people that I knew and still managed to be myself. So then why, in college, am I so incredibly afraid of being exactly who I am?
Let me tell you people, I don't know the answer to that question quite yet. But one thing I do know is this:
I'm not going to be this girl anymore. I'm going to get back to the girl I used to be in high school. I will be who I was to MASC, to Mehlville High School, to my family, to my friends, to my God and to myself. I'm going to be that girl.
So now the question arises: how?
If I haven't been able to be her so far, how am I magically going to be her now?
Well I know where I'm starting: a life of prayer.
Yes, I will be prayerful and live a life according to His love of all people.
No matter who I meet in college from now on, it will be with a smile and with a welcoming attitude and patience. This will not be a flimsy rule. I must stand strong on my days of little sleep, of crappy test scores, and of missing home. I must push that aside and give all my love and attention to those around me, for God will be faithful and help me if I spread his love. Because EVERYONE deserves to be loved by others and I want to strive to be as loving as The Lord wants me to be.
I will take my weekends as they come to me. Seeing as I don't drink, college weekend life can be difficult, as party atmospheres just aren't my thing and I don't know a super lot of people who like to stay in. But I will figure it out, and I will be okay.
I will work my butt off for good grades and be dedicated in my studies. Learning will be hard but it will be what I need to make changes in the world.
I will wake up each day and smile because I deserve it.
I will be my MASC self again. I will strive for change and I will be that change. I will love God with all of my heart, and I will accept His love for me. I will do good work, I will be motivated, and I will kick butt in college. I will not be scared.
I think I just found my new mantra.
Now I know this was scatterbrained, but I just know that it's gonna be okay and I want you all to know that it's gonna be okay. No matter what you're going through with college, good or bad, know that you will always be able to come back home to who you are. By willpower, and by God's power. You are always still going to be you, and that's something no one or no place can take away from you.
I love you guys.
Nikki
