Learning to be the Light || A Walk of Faith

"Shout it. 

Go on and scream it from the mountains. 

Go on and tell it to the masses: that He is God."
- "All the Poor and Powerless," All Sons and Daughters

Well, I don't have any mountains, and my blog is the closest thing I can get to the masses, so here it is y'all: my walk of faith. The most beautiful, incredible thing that I have the privilege to call a part of my life.

Here goes!

My entire life, my faith has been an important part of my life.

I grew up in a Lutheran home with amazingly encouraging parents. We went to church every Sunday and they made sure I learned as much as I could while I was there. But while doing all this learning, I never really knew Jesus. I knew many of the Biblical facts, but I never saw Jesus for who He truly was.

That all changed during my junior year of high school. See, I have this fantastic friend named Jordan Rackley (aka Jords, Jordo, Jrack, etc) who just so happened on one Sunday to take me with her to a church service at Crosspoint church, a non-denominational church in St. Louis. It was that day that it hit me:

I need Jesus's love. Not just because I struggle with depression or because I have worldly troubles, but because His love is too big for me NOT to accept it. Jesus is not some fairy tale that I don't get to partake in. He is the ultimate savior. He died because He loves ME and YOU more than anything in the entire universe. Our small battles and struggles with life on earth don't even matter in the long run; He fought the war and WON. And the best part of it all? We get to live with Him eternally, and nothing in the world could bring us greater joy than that.

SO that was the day that I met Jesus.

From there, I began to truly walk with Christ. I learned much from Jords about what it means to be kind and love like Christ. (*SHOUT OUT* Jordan Rackley. Thank you for changing my life and bringing Christ into my heart. You have no idea what you've done for me.) I participated in youth group (during my senior year) and started to make Christ more of a priority in my life. But I still didn't quite get it all the way.

You see, there's a difference between being "religious" and living your life for Christ. I was religious in high school. I knew Christ in a textbook manner. I went to church and I started to let Christ have my heart, but I only let Him have parts of my life. I said to Him, "here Jesus, you can have my troubles and my fear, but I'm going to rejoice on my own. I'm going to have my relationships separate from you because they're mine, not yours."

Needless to say, that route wasn't my best bet.

What I truly needed was to take a step and free fall into His love.

So since I came to Dayton, the route to doing that has become all the more clear to me. All the things that people have always told me about living for Christ have become so profound and important to me. Past wisdom along with the love, guidance, and mentorship provided to me at UD through YoungLife (*SHOUT OUT* Emma Zack, thanks for introducing me to YoungLife. You have helped me see Christ in ways I've never seen Him before. Your joy is my joy dear. I love you. Also, all the rest of you YL kids. You guys don't know how much I look up to you.) has caused me to choose to dedicate my life to Christ. 

This, I can say, is the bottom line BEST decision I have ever made. I let Christ into my heart, and He has utterly transformed me. He has turned depression to joy, fear to peace, hatred of myself to acceptance of my beauty, and love to something beyond love that I will never understand. He walks for me when I cannot walk, sees for me when the tears are too heavy, and smiles for me when all else hurts. Overall, He is incredible.

So why am I telling you all this?

Well friends, first of all:

He is the creator of the universe and He deserves to be rightly praised.

But even more than that,

I want you all to know His love.

I want you to know that He loves you more than any love that you've ever known. His love cannot be broken, and He therefore will never desert you, no matter who deserts you on earth, no matter what sins you commit, no matter what you think of yourself. First and foremost, He just wants you to be His and His alone.

I want you all to know His heart.

He has changed my entire outlook on life. He has broken my heart over things that need calling to on earth. He rewards humility and love. He gives joy where it is scarce. He is amazing.

Last and most importantly, I want you all to know His message.

Christ died on the cross to save you. God, the most powerful in all the universe, gave His ONLY son, so that we may live in paradise with Him forever. And all you have to do is love and trust in Him.

So friends, I leave you with this:

Christ has won the war. All the pain and fear and struggle you're dealing with right now? Christ will bring you comfort, He will love you, and He will change your heart. All you must do is let Him in.

That's all for today.

I love you guys dearly!

- Nikki

"God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

15 Years Old || A Human Trafficking Poem

15 Years Old

Nikki Kamp

15 years old
Light in her eyes long gone
Passion and happiness moved on
Within her, destruction and trauma sing victory songs.

15 years old
With shackles on her wrists.
I'm not being figurative here, no, literal shackles on her wrists.
As she whimpers and cries out between impacts of tightly clenched fists,
She looks back on how this all started: her one single wish.
A wish to do, to be, to learn.
A wish to earn a name for herself
A wish to turn herself into something special.
A wish that was supposed to be a dream come true, but instead was torn, tortured, and turned into a nightmare.
A nightmare where she was deceived into thinking that the nice man was going to take her out of her home country to get a good American education.
A nightmare where she thought she could be something besides someone's rag doll.
But, as it is, man turned monster and nightmare reigned true, and now every time she wakes up in the morning, the monster is still there.
And so is the pain.
And the drugs.
And the abuse.
And the countless men.
And the constant internal fight
Not to give up.

15 years old
Innocence lost.
No, not simply lost. Innocence taken.
Ripped out from underneath her, just like the clothes that were ripped off her back by the men last night, and the night before, and all the nights more.

15 years old but 100 years scarred.
She had never expected to live through something so hard.
Never expected that this "opportunity" would go so far
From what she had expected it to be.

15 years old
But sadly not an exception.
She's one of millions who are in dire need of love, action, and protection.
One of millions deceived and misdirected,
Enslaved, Invisible and therefore undetected.

15 years old
We must work on her behalf.
Work to save her and others from their traffickers' wrath.
We must spread awareness,
And sit back no longer.
For the longer we wait,
The number of slaves grows stronger.
Yes, we must spread the word,
For the word holds great power.
If slavery is a day's dirt, awareness is a shower.
Awareness can open our eyes to situations previously unknown,
And in trafficking cases, the common man is often the hero, statistics have shown.
So with the power of knowledge, and with a simple call,
You could change someone's world,
You could change it all.

15 years old,
Essentially numb.
Functioning under her traffickers thumb.
She needs an everyday hero.
Will you be the one?

Hey guys. So I wrote this poem a while back, during this past semester while I was in a human trafficking class at UD. This is a social injustice that I cannot shake, and therefore I feel as though word needs to be spread about it, to make a change. 

SO here's the thing. I know we all have a lot of burdens to bear, but there are some who have an absolute world of burden to bear: human trafficking victims. Human Trafficking, aka the modern day slave trade, is the heinous crime of selling human beings for sexual exploitation, forced labor, and child sexual exploitation. There are over 27 MILLION trafficking victims in the world today, and the only way that number is going to get smaller is if WE take action. How, might you ask?
Start with educating yourself. Ask me your questions or check out websites likewww.slaveryfootprint.org to find out how many slaves work for you, and how you can decrease that number or http://www.polarisproject.org/human-trafficking/overview just for general information.

Work for change.

Checked all this stuff out, and think you've seen an instance of human trafficking? Report it at 1-888-3737-888.

Thanks guys. Love y'all dearly.

- Nikki

"Love your body the way your mother loved your baby feet." || A Body Peace Blog

I am not a size two.
It's quite possible that I will never be a size two, and I'm starting to think that's okay... Which is kind of weird.
Why is that weird?
Well you see, I've grown up in a society that tells me that the higher the clothing size, the less that person is worth.
Now I'm not saying that this is every single person's opinion. I mean, obviously not.
But Hollywood, media, and high school seem to tell me that the ideal size is about a four, with a perfect rack and butt to match, and anything different than that is wrong.
To those girls that have that body: Rock the frick on! You keep working what you have. I think you all are gorgeous girls.
But what about the rest of us?
Is it fair that I regularly have thoughts like, "hey, if I dropped (more than) a few pounds, maybe I would be beautiful"?
Is it fair that I see so many girls who are absolutely stunning, looking at their bodies like these horrid, awful traps, rather than their homes?
I don't really think so.
I mean, yeah, I could lose some weight. The college diet is not necessarily the most picture-perfect health food diet, and my body is well aware of that. So I should eat my veggies, drop the Chinese food and work out a few times per week.
But just because I don't look like a celebrity, I enjoy an occasional crab rangoon, and I don't get around to doing squats every day of my life, I don't want to feel like I'm not beautiful or hot or whatever.
And I certainly don't want any other girls to think negatively about themselves.

Now don't get me wrong, I think being in good health is what we should work for, always.
But to be bigger (or even, to be smaller) than the "ideal size" does not, by any means, mean you are not beautiful! And it by NO means determines your worth.
To quote Mary Lambert,

You are no less valuable as a size 16 than a size 4.You are no less valuable as a 32A than a 36C.

In fact, right now it seems more than necessary to recommend listening to this spoken word poem. Like, now. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-gBH4sSLfA

Now that you've (hopefully) listened... 
Mary made it clear.
We as a society cannot continue to judge people simply by what size jeans they wear, or what their cup size is. We cannot judge ourselves this way anymore. I cannot continue to wake up in the morning and judge whether I deserve to be loved simply by looking in the mirror. That, quite frankly, is bull. 

I don't want to look around at the world anymore and have my heart broken over and over by seeing girls who don't love themselves because someone told them that they weren't beautiful... even if the source of that lie was their own mind.

It's got to end girls. We have to take control of our minds. I don't care what pants size you are, what the measurement is around your waist, if you're flat-chested or curvy. This is your time to embrace your body and love what you're working with. What some man says to you or thinks about you does not determine your worth. Your worth is determined by God, and He has made you beautifully. Something I've been thinking a lot about lately - if the creator of the universe thinks you're beautiful then who gives a flying flip what anyone else thinks.

I know it's so hard to go ahead and say, "I'm going to think of myself positively now." I am a girl as well, readers, so I KNOW how hard that is. But we've got to do it. We've got to stop those negative thoughts in their tracks, and turn them around into positive comments. Recognizing the positives is so key. Not just about ourselves, but about other girls too.
No more "ugly," no more "fat," no more hate. 
Be kind to yourselves and others, simply because you deserve it.

New Years Mantra: You are beautifully made, you are strong, you are worthy. Love yourself because you deserve it and love others because they deserve it. Be the woman you were made to be.

You are worth the love.

- Nikki

Afterthoughts:
Now I didn't even touch on boys, their self-images, or their feed into girls self-hatred. But guys, I'm calling out to you too. Please stop recognizing girls in these harsh terms, as well as yourselves. Everyone is beautifully and wonderfully made; treat them (including yourself) as such.

Where is Nikki?

Hey friends!

So aside from my blog post earlier this week, I've essentially been off the radar for a while, so I figured why not catch up a bit with those of you who I don't talk to on a daily basis! I've had quite a bit happen since the last life update post (probably in September? WOW it's been a while...), therefore here it comes. Ready, set, GO!

Life Update #1:

I'm not leaving UD for Missouri State this semester.
Many of you know that I was considering transferring to MSU for various reasons. This is not happening! While MSU frickin ROCKS and there would be a ton of awesome things to be a part of there, as well as many awesome people, it just doesn't feel right. I feel like UD has more in store for me than I had previously anticipated, as well as there are some AWESOME people here too. Also there are some flippin awesome opportunities coming up next semester for me (refer to life update #2).

Life Update #2:
I will be spending next semester as secretary of Campus Activities Board, as a Callings Retreat leader-in-training, and potentially as a YoungLife leader.
Next semester, I have quite a lot on my plate, but I couldn't be more excited about that. 
- First, there's CAB secretary. CAB is in charge of planning a lot of alternative-to-alcohol programming which is right up my alley, so being secretary sounds like it's going to be an awesome opportunity, especially because there's some really awesome people on the board. 
- Next up is Callings Retreat leader-in-training. I can't begin to tell you how pumped I am to be a Callings leader. But Nikki, what is Callings? WELL just let me tell ya!
Callings is a Christian retreat that happens over the summer at UD for incoming freshman. I was a Callings retreat-goer this past summer and I cannot say anything but good things about the experience. At Callings, I met some really awesome role models (cough cough Jillian, Morgan, Carrie, and all the other leaders), not to mention several of my very closest, most awesome friends from UD. I guess mostly what I'm trying to say is YAYYYYYY CALLINGS WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
But anyway, so this next semester, I'm in a class on Sundays to train to be a Callings leader. This will be with all the other leaders-in-training, aka a ton of people that I love. So I'm just really frickin excited for all of this.
- Finally, there's YoungLife. Ahhh, sweet sweet YoungLife. If you haven't talked to me about it yet or don't know what YoungLife is, here's a basic overview:
YoungLife is a ministry program to reach out to high schoolers. As a YoungLife leader, essentially what I will do is go to a school, create relationships with the kids at that school, and teach them about how much Christ loves them and what He has done for them.
That's a very basic overview, but it gives you the general idea.
The reason I say I will potentially be a YoungLife leader is because it's a very big time commitment and I need to figure out if I have enough time for it. I'm EXTREMELY hoping I do, but as of right now, I'm not positive. So we'll see, but I'm really hoping for it.

Life Update #3:
I am now an Adolescent to Young Adult Education Major, with a concentration in Language Arts (and potentially a minor in Human Rights)!
After three major changes, we've finally landed on AYA ed. I'm going to be a high school English teacher!!! While some people hear that and probably vomit a little bit at the thought, I AM SO EXCITED! I really want to get kids pumped about life and help them find their passions, hopefully both as an English teacher and eventually as a leadership teacher (shout out to Jane Perrica and Andy Ross on motivating me towards that one!). So that's very exciting!

Life Update #4:
My toe is not broken.
I'm just going to say this fast because it's one of the more idiotic things I've done lately, but uhhh... IfelloffthetopbunkbedinmyroomtheothermorningandthoughtIbrokemytoebutIdidn'tsodon'tworryeverybody,thisidiotisokay.
So there's that.

Life Update #5:
I learned that sometimes what might be best isn't what feels best, and that sometimes people have to let you go to let you grow.
That's all.

The final life update, Life Update #6:
I'm coming home Thursday!
GUYS, I'm coming home and I'll be home for a month!!! So I've missed you all very much and love you as well, and therefore I CANNOT WAIT to come home to those of you who mean so much to me. So get pumped people; I'll see ya soon!

That's pretty much it for now! I hope you enjoyed this episode of Where is Nikki?, and I'll see ya next time folks.

Give Love, Receive Love, Be Love.

My senior year of high school, I started attending Crosspoint ONE_Student Ministries youth group on Wednesday nights, led by youth pastor, Ryan Stoops. Let me just tell you, Ryan Stoops is one incredible guy. He is as Christ-filled and as loving as can be. The love Stoops shows is never exclusive - it goes out to all. And it wasn't just him who showed this kind of powerful, warm love. It was all of Crosspoint's youth. This kind of love - intentional love, love inspired by Christ - was really special to me. It was something I felt I needed to pass on, and still feel I need to pass on to this day.

Behind the love that ONE_Student Ministries and Ryan shared with all of us kids was the love of a Savior that cared enough to die for his people, that they might live eternally. This Savior wishes that we love one another as he loved us:

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

John 13:34-35

So you see, I didn't just learn how to love at Crosspoint. I learned how to be known for love. It's something I have to work at everyday, but it's something incredibly important to me, especially as a Christian.

The thing about being known for love (or "known for this," as the ONE_Student Ministries so often emphasizes) is that it's not just about loving the people that it's easy to love. It's so easy to give love to your best friend, your mom, your significant other.... But what about the others?

You have to love the people that it's hard to love. The people that bug the crap out of you, the people that hurt you, the people that have broken you down. You have to love these people just as much as you love the ones that it's easy to love. Because it is not the easy love, but the difficult love that defines you.

So my challenge to you, blog followers, is to take a little extra time this week to give more love to more people. Be patient with others' mistakes, smile at them, and support them in what they need support in. Be kind, accepting, and intentional in your love. Overall, just when you see someone who needs love, give it. Or even if they don't look like they need love, give it anyway.

Be the best representation of love that you can be.

On that note, all of my love to you guys. You're all incredibly wonderful.

Nikki

The Search

I have lost a lot of myself recently.

The following blog is my attempt to find me.

Here goes nothing.

So I would like to consider myself a pretty social girl. I love people, I thrive on laughter, and making others feel welcome is one of my favorite things in the whole world. So then who is this girl who sits in her room on Saturday nights, isolated and wishing for different circumstances, rather than making the best of what she has? Who is the girl who doesn't smile at everyone she passes? Who is the girl who has placed her own well-being over that of others? And most importantly, who is the girl whose relationship with God is more easily spoken of than invested in? That girl is me right now. A me I'm not very proud of. I've been spending the last month of my life as a shell of who I really am, and I hate it. I really truly despise it. And I think up until now, I've been blaming my sadness on my environment. But I think my true issue is not being here at Dayton- Dayton that's full of opportunity, loving people, and awesome things- but actually my issue is being fearful to be myself.

I've never been an incredibly confident girl, but in high school I had no fear of being who I was. And yes, I know in that environment I was surrounded by a safety web of teachers and friends who loved me unconditionally (which I'm so thankful for) so the risk of being myself was little to none. But my freshman year, I came to Mehlville with few people that I knew and still managed to be myself. So then why, in college, am I so incredibly afraid of being exactly who I am?

Let me tell you people, I don't know the answer to that question quite yet. But one thing I do know is this:

I'm not going to be this girl anymore. I'm going to get back to the girl I used to be in high school. I will be who I was to MASC, to Mehlville High School, to my family, to my friends, to my God and to myself. I'm going to be that girl.

So now the question arises: how?

If I haven't been able to be her so far, how am I magically going to be her now?

Well I know where I'm starting: a life of prayer.

Yes, I will be prayerful and live a life according to His love of all people.

No matter who I meet in college from now on, it will be with a smile and with a welcoming attitude and patience. This will not be a flimsy rule. I must stand strong on my days of little sleep, of crappy test scores, and of missing home. I must push that aside and give all my love and attention to those around me, for God will be faithful and help me if I spread his love. Because EVERYONE deserves to be loved by others and I want to strive to be as loving as The Lord wants me to be.

I will take my weekends as they come to me. Seeing as I don't drink, college weekend life can be difficult, as party atmospheres just aren't my thing and I don't know a super lot of people who like to stay in. But I will figure it out, and I will be okay.

I will work my butt off for good grades and be dedicated in my studies. Learning will be hard but it will be what I need to make changes in the world.

I will wake up each day and smile because I deserve it.

I will be my MASC self again. I will strive for change and I will be that change. I will love God with all of my heart, and I will accept His love for me. I will do good work, I will be motivated, and I will kick butt in college. I will not be scared.

I think I just found my new mantra.

Now I know this was scatterbrained, but I just know that it's gonna be okay and I want you all to know that it's gonna be okay. No matter what you're going through with college, good or bad, know that you will always be able to come back home to who you are. By willpower, and by God's power. You are always still going to be you, and that's something no one or no place can take away from you.

I love you guys.

Nikki

Guys, I don't hate college.

College rocks.

I can officially say it to the world without lying:

I am enjoying my college experience.

Sunday night, it would not have been possible for me to make this statement and back it up with truth. I had, what you could call, a not-so-fantastic first couple of days here at Dayton. My few days were riddled with tears, overwhelming anxiety, and dread of the year ahead. I felt uncomfortable and out-of-place, and simply wanted to be home. I was extremely pressured to drink in three different locations on one night and was terrified. I hated where I was, and I was ready to give up.

But guys! Here's something that's pretty cool.

I LOVE IT NOW. God has worked in me and given me the strength and positivity to make me ready to push my comfort zone and to gain new experiences. He's putting people, experiences, and joy into my life that I definitely did not believe was possible just a simple four days ago.

First of all, the people. I have an amazing roommate, Christina. Christina cracks me up, she has a rad music taste, and I love talking to her about anything and everything. I also have some amazing friends. Three standout friends have come into my life and I don't think they'll probably leave it for a while. First, Nick. Nick is one of the funniest kids who I have met during my time here. I love talking to him simply because he always has something funny to say that cheers me up. Then there's Sarah. Sarah is the most surprising girl. She has a funny, outgoing exterior, but inside she is always thinking about others. She cares for them and wants what is best for them, and is strong in her faith. Finally, Emma. Emma is one of the most genuinely good people I have ever met. She and I have connected about faith and I cannot wait to get to know her better. I can't help but love the crap out of her. Or any of the three for that matter.

Next, my classes. For my Tuesdays and Thursdays I get to sleep til 8:15. And on Monday, Wednesday and Friday I have ONE class and it's not til NOON. I can sleep as late as I please. How BEAUTIFUL is that?!?! And mind you, these classes are things I'm actually interested in, with professors who genuinely are passionate about what they are teaching. The education aspect of college rocks.

Finally, the relaxation. Can I just say, all I do all day is my classes, and then WHATEVER I WANT? Like, GOD BLESS AMERICA, THE SWEET, SWEET FREEDOM. I can't tell you how nice it is to do what I want, when I want. And not only that, after Friday, I can get involved in all kinds of stuff to fill that free time. So, for all of you high schoolers out there, that aspect of college really is all that it's cracked up to be.

So I know this wasn't much insight into what it's really like to be where I am. I guess what I really just want to say is, carry on when it gets hard. Always push your comfort zone, and reach out to those who are there for you (shouts out to Angie A., Ben, Emma and Bren for keeping me alive for that first weekend) and they will help to pull you through the tough times. 

Great things don't only come to those who wait. Great things come to those who go out into the world and take risks.

Have a wonderful day, readers. Feel free to contact me if you want more details on the Dayton experience as of yet.

All my love,

Nikki